God Hates God

80+ vaguely interesting things you never wanted to know about me:

1) I am licensed to drive a forklift.
2) Mushrooms make me vomit.
3) I wanted to be a brain surgeon.
4) But settled with being a computer programmer.
5) My irises are piss yellow in the middle.
6) I once had a near-perfect photographic memory, but pissed it away on getting pissed.
7) Every Friday is Beer Friday.
I am a member of CAMRA.
9) And a Girl Scout.
10) The first gig I ever attended was New Kids on the Block.
11) The second was Rugbymothers, which redeemed me.
12) My fingers are double-jointed.
13) And so are my hips.
14) I have eaten squirrel.
15) I played rugby at college.
16) My nickname is ‘Smackwhore’.
17) My favourite scientist is Nikola Tesla.
18) In fact, my favourite person ever is Nikola Tesla.
19) Followed closely by Crispin Hunt.
20) I’m fucking shit at sport.
21) I was once the only person not to make it into the school choir.
22) I play the oboe.
23) I’ve broken a grown man’s jaw.
24) I’m a habitual daydreamer.
25) I’m afraid of caterpillars.
26) I always get into fights at Morrissey gigs.
27) My arse crack is crooked.
28) I’ve got a 30-a-day smoking habit.
29) I once ran 42 miles.
30) My favourite meat is buffalo.
31) I’ve been married twice.
32) I’ve broken my heel.
33) The longest I’ve gone without sleep is 108 hours.
34) I’ve never lost at Jenga.
35) My voice is so low; my sister’s husband once mistook me for a bloke on the phone.
36) I’ve been sued.
37) I’ve never, in my life, done more than 20 minutes of studying.
38) I sleepwalk, sleepeat, sleepkick, sleeptalk, sleepshout and generally do everything but stay still when in a state of slumber.
39) I wake up in strange places, doing strange things.
40) I’m a redneck by birthright.
41) I’m an absolute cunt by choice.
42) I’ve had surgery on my armpit.
43) I’m the only person in the world who hated Jeffrey Eugenides’ ‘Middlesex’. It was fucking shit.
44) Same with James Frey’s ‘A Million Little Pieces’.
45) I hate poetry that rhymes.
46) The ‘west-end extravaganza’ The Producers bored me.
47) I’ve been involved in a riot while wearing a silk frock and heels.
48) I’ve been banned from Bangable.com.
49) I once joined a church youth club for the cookies and putt-putt golf.
50) I like my steak cool in the middle.
51) I once swallowed a live goldfish.
52) I refuse to eat organic food.
53) Fairweather friends are worse than enemies.
54) I have four tattoos and hate them all.
55) I wasn’t invited to my own school reunion.
56) I didn’t graduate top of my class because I failed bowling.
57) My favourite people are social misfits.
58) I once tried out for the cheerleading squad, but didn’t get in because I didn’t smile enough.
59) My favourite films are B-horrors.
60) I’m convinced I will die on the toilet.
61) I used to be good friends with Dick Cheney’s niece. She was a mental.
62) I’ve done ‘eye shots’ of everclear.
63) I’ve broken all of my fingers / thumbs.
64) Life has taught me to have a fatalistic view on everything.
65) I like rats.
66) I hate dolphins.
67) I’ve been to hundreds of gigs.
68) But the best was The Hard Lessons @ The Lager House, downtown Detroit, March 2005
69) I desperately want to eat horse.
70) One of my teenage coworkers turned out to be a murderer who chopped her husband into bits and hid him under her back porch.
71) She worked in a bakery around sharp objects.
72) I survived getting hit by a lorry head-on at 70mph, and then hit by 4 other cars, just for good measure.
73) I understand chassis numbers.
74) I do calculus in my head to calm down.
75) My favourite pastime is memorizing maps.
76) My bus once hit a bear.
77) My life of crime ended age 7, when I was busted for swinging too high on the park swings.
78) Whenever I go on holiday to a foreign country, I learn to say ‘I am a stupid American, so I don’t speak your language’.
79) The worst place I have ever been is Kilburnie, Scotland.
80) The best place is home.
81) I fucking hate ‘hard house’, so don’t even try it.
82) 2% of my high school graduating class were convicted cowfuckers.
83) I can code in a variety of programming languages, but fuck me, I can’t figure out my toaster.
84) Sometimes I worry that my freckles are actually third nipples.
85) I’ve seen Amish kids making out.
86) I can belch on command.
87) I think ‘Battledome: Dachshund’ would be an excellent idea.
88) I have a vast collection of animation art.
89) If nachos are on the menu, I fucking order them.
90) Same with creme brulee.
91) I once ate a caterpillar.
92) I fucking hate caterpillars.
93) I wore orthotic shoes until I was 12.
94) I didn’t reach 5′ tall until I was 14.
95) I am now 5′10″.
97) I am 125 pounds.
98) But will one day grow the family ass.
99) And I’m not going to fucking diet it away.
100) I have had multiple colonoscopies.
101) The lead singer of Nickleback once hit on me. I told him to fuck off.
102) I snogged a famous Premiership footballer. I didn’t know who he was. Hours later, I was admitted to hospital. Coincidence?
103) I really like Detroit.
104) I work for the motoring industry, but can’t drive.
105) I’ll try everything once. If it is too good, I won’t do it again.
106) I hate all gum chewers and wish them dead.
107) I haven’t been to the cinema in years.
108) I love film.
109) Porn is funny.
110) I once came in dead last in a ’sexy dancing’ contest.
111) I took dance lessons for years, but my teacher wouldn’t let me dance on stage because I was so shit.
112) I’ve been in telephone communication with the FBI.
113) I’ve had multiple proper stalkers.
114) One was caught watching me shower.
115) Another called me every day for two years, even when I changed my phone number.
116) I will die on the toilet.
117) So I don’t use toilets on airplanes, no matter the urgency.
118) I am bad luck.