God Hates God

Dear mountains,

You’re really pretty to look at, but aside from that, you’re pretty fucking useless.

Regards,
Munky

Dear consumers of fast food (including, but not limited to, McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC, sandwiches, crisps and some types of fruit),

The only thing you are ‘too busy’ to do, it seems, is swallow before you open your fat fucking gobs full of food, displaying mashed-up food stuffs while you spray into your mobile phones, “Durrrrr, what you up to?” as the scrags of your partly masticated stupidity cling to your double chins.

Cordially,
Munky

Dear road grit,

I really really hate you because you camouflage poo as something more innocuous and tread-in-able, such as dirt or even homeless people.

Grit, you make poo the stealth bomber to my well-honed and highly advanced poo-dar. You give me poo-shoe, and for that I will never forgive you.

Best,
Munky

Dear hot caffeinated beverages,

Every day of my life there is a powerful struggle.

I have two options to survive the rest of the day; tea or coffee. I stand in the kitchen for at least five minutes, jerking back and forth between the tea and the coffee in an action film ‘red wire, blue wire’ scenario.

Today I chose coffee.

I chose wisely.

Yours truly,
Munky

Dear Camden,

Outside my office there is curdled milk covering the pavement. I assume that it is breast milk, as the people in Camden would be foul and depraved enough to remove their mammary from their shirts and spray the mother fluid on the sidewalk.
Best,
Munky

P.S. Actually, the people in Camden would be so foul as to devour this fetid, curdled breast milk.

Dear William Faulkner,

If I were magically endowed with the ability to travel through space and time, I would hurtle my way back to 1897 Mississippi and dip your teeny baby fingers in acid, thus ensuring that poor college students would never have to endure your variety of damaging literary allergens.

If you still managed to write with your horrifically disfigured nubbins, I will be obliged (for the betterment of collective world sanity and good taste) to dash back again and torch any possible reference to the Family Snopes, single-handedly the most tedious and brain-anaesthetizing collection of creatures ever to have been vomited onto a piece of paper.

If these efforts - selflessly performed for the benefit of all mankind – fail, I will have no other choice than to go completely eeeeeerk and sterilize both of your parents by way of death.

Always the best,
Munky

Dear Sainsbury’s,

“A plump, juicy, fragrant berry ideal for eating on its own or as part of a luxurious dessert!”

It is just a fucking strawberry.

If a person is so dumb as not to know what a strawberry is, they sure as hell won’t be able to read your bloody description.

Sincerely,
Munky

Dear cancer,

Every single moment of my life I wish you didn’t exist.

And you never existed.

And you never hurt people I love.

Love,
Munky

P.S. Whoops, forgot to swear! Cunt, shit, bugger, etc.

Dear Mr Munky,

Wearing fur into a health food store: fucking genius.

Welcome to my malevolent fold. I hope you find my realm of evil quite cosy.

Kisses,
Munky

Dear snow,

I like you. I like you an awful, awful lot. To me, you are what today’s youths normally refer to as ‘a friend’.

I like you because I live within walking distance of work, and I can laugh at all the poor cunts who are stuck in the destructive bedlam of London’s snow-induced transportation blackout.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

You made my day bright and lovely.

Love,
Munky