God Hates God

Dear pigeons,

I hate you because I’m afraid you’ll shit in my mouth.

Best,
Munky

Dear Adobe,

Your shitting little software bug in Creative Suite has cost me 6 hours of my very precious time.

And all I needed to do was change the time zone from GMT-Cardiff to GMT-London. THAT WAS IT. 6 hours of resetting the shitting PRAM, updating pre-bindings, resetting the NVRAM, multiple reinstallation of the OS and of Creative Suite, cleaning caches, running fucking fsck, dumping preferences, fixing the bloody permissions; all the while looking like the complete fucking moron who shitted up the poor designer’s computer. And all I needed to do was to change the bloody time zone.

How the fuck was I to know that you don’t like the Welsh?

Love,
Munky

P.S. Oi, a little mention on your pocking little support site would have saved me all this stress and time.

Dear Pronunciation Police,

Despite my years in the UK and my ever-rounding vowel sounds, there are still some words I still can’t enunciate without sounding like the small-town corn-fed Midwestern redneck I am.

I present to the court the word ‘yogurt’. No matter my laborious efforts, no matter your guffaws of mockery, no matter your rigorous pronunciation training program, I will always say it with a twang that suggests in-breedin’ and off-roadin’.

Love,

Munky

P.S. The word ‘bollocks’ shits me up, too. Bollocks. Bollocks.

See? Aw, bollocks.

Dear my stomach,

If I give you some candy, will you shut the fuck up?

Kisses,

Munky

Dear smoking,

I love you. I love how you make me smell bad, which is OK because I have a boy who smells bad, too.

I love you. I love how fellow smokers give me the nod off appreciation and encouragement.

I love you. I love how I can be mean to people I don’t like by blowing smoke on then and blame it on ‘wind change’.

I love you. I love how you make me feel satisfied and happy 20 times a day by merely fulfilling an addiction need.

I love you. I love how you make me look ‘well hard’, cool and sexy.

I love you. I love how a burning cigarette can also be used as a weapon against all the really mean people in Camden.

I love you. I love how you make me friends through our common love of smoking.

I love you. I love how I spend more time outdoors because of you.

I love you. I love how you make me enemy through the simple act of having smouldering dried leaves touch my lips. It is way better than the days when doing something really bad would make me enemies!

I love you,
Munky

Dear The Stupid Fuckers at Sainsburys in Camden,

My New Year’s resolution is that you all perish in a horrific accident and I get to watch.

OK, maybe I don’t want you dead. You have families.

Suggestions welcome as to how these absolute cretins should suffer.

Best wishes,
Munky

P.S. This is because you all possess the rare but perpertually irritating attributes of being both fucking stupid and fucking rude.